A Book For all Occasions

Today while I was waiting for my toenails to dry I decided to text my friend Christopher DeVoss a funny picture.  It’s something that Chris and I do almost everyday, one of us will send the other a weird, funny, or totally bizarre picture.  That’s what friends are for.  The picture I sent him was…  This just goes to show you, there really is abook out there for everything.

So I decided to do a quick google search on strange book titles.  Here is what I found…

I mean…Why not? Every lesbian likes a good horse story right?  Or are the horses themselves lesbians? This book title leaves so many unanswered questions…guess I’ll have to suggest it at the next book club meeting.

For the aspiring gynecologist in your life..

Listen, There are many books (ie: Dante’s Inferno, Dante’s Paradiso, The bible etc..) written on the subject of the afterlife. A great many details have been explained about the fiery rings of hell and the eternal gifts in heaven. But not one person every mentioned us getting it on in the after life.  I hope the author has a how to guide for both heaven and hell, as I’m still not sure where I’m going to end up.  I’m going with hell.

This is partially why I am most likely going to hell. Because I find this book, hilarious. I would buy it, I would put it on my coffee table , and I would make pornogami out of Christmas wrapping paper and hand them out as ornaments during the holiday season. Because that is the kind of friend I am.

I am going to go out on a limb and guess that Poo is this woman’s name…but No. Just, No.

The Sequel?

Because, Why not?

Absolutely not…Who edits these books? Did any one not say to Dr. Shedd, “This title looks a little incesty…maybe we should re-work this sentence bro”?  Apparently not.

And now for my personal favorties…

And..

I swear I had more fun googling the titles than i have had in a long time.  Complete nonsense. I love it.

Round 2

Well, the thing I said I wouldn’t do, I did. When I left the wine shop in Po’ Dunk FL, I was so mad, so so very mad, and I swore, I would never forgive Boss Man for being such an asshole.

…but when I went to Steffie’s funeral, boss man was there. He apologized profusely, he asked me to come back. He is opening a new shop, he lost the lease on the old one, and bought a new one. He told me he never should have let me leave, and asked me please come and help him run the new place

I thought about it. I went home, thought about it some more, went out to see the new place, and I told him I would do it.

But only under the condition that I would not be working for that same boss man I was working for before. He says he has changed. He has been much humbled by life over the past couple years and you can tell.

He’s different. I’m glad. Because I really loved that shop. The new shop isn’t fully operational yet. But I’ve been out on every day I have off to help paint it and out it together, train new servers and generally help the Boss get his shit together.

I’m glad. I’m happy that I took my job back. It’s nice to be needed. This is the perfect distraction for me. It will keep me busy and away from idiot boys who don’t know what they want. Hell, I don’t even know what I want at this point.

And it will probably be some time before I do.

Besides, I need a break from Mario’s. I’m still going to keep my job there, and I love that place as well but working there is mentally exhausting. The guests place so many expectations on you because of the location. If you don’t deliver in the slightest, you’re fucked.

I need a slower pace.

The shop is just the place for that.
I’ll let ya’all know how it goes…

Total Eclipse of some hearts…

I have been noticing lately, actually ever since we had that huge eclipse this year…that nearly everyone around me is having relationship issues. I am not sure if that is because I have been going through it, so I notice it everywhere, or is it because it is legit happening all over the place. Hank, one of my closest friends, the one who had to scrape me out of bed a few weeks ago, he and his lady seriously break up just about every other week. He can’t trust her because of whatever and she cant seem to tell the damn truth about anything, and every week, I watch my friend go through agonizing heart break over this female and I just don’t understand it. They have not even known each other that long.

Another friend of mine, Manuel, He has this crazy lady he fell totally in love with, and one day a few weeks ago she went off her meds, and lost her shit and told him she didn’t love him anymore and moved out of their apartment. And every day he is back and forth and back and forth with this crazy chick. Another friend of mine just found out her husband has been having an affair, she is a mess, and inconsolable mess. Quite frankly I’m not really any help to any of these people right now.

And I’ve reached a point where I can view the situations from all sides really. I’ve been bat-shit crazy, I speak that language, I have been with someone who is bat-shit crazy and had my heart broken. I have been cheated on and I can understand why some people would look elsewhere for affection and excitement outside of their relationship. I know the sting of loneliness. I’ve never been a huge fan of liars, so I don’t really understand that part, but I do know the immense pain of finding out someone has lied to you. I also know what it feels like to take them back over and over and over again even after they continue to lie.

So many times as women, we are quick to jump on the “oh, he hurt you, well fuck that bastard!” train. And listen ladies. I am not sticking up for cheaters and liars here, I am just saying, I have seen both genders act retarded. I have acted retarded recently myself over an idiot that was never even worth it to begin with. Made a total fool of myself, not because of this person specifically… I believe I was transferring all my unaddressed issues and emotions from my failed marriage onto this person, and placing higher expectations on them, when there was no way, they could even come close to meeting them. Delusional is the word that comes to mind.

I have another friend. He had his heartbroken over 6 years ago by a woman who cheated, lied and had a baby that she claimed was his for years and he later found out it was not. He was so enraged he smashed her car and has not emotionally recovered since. He refuses to date, he refuses to trust anyone of the female gender ever again. The bitterness is strong in this one.

But even with all I have been through, I can never imagine being that bitter. I still have hope that someday…someone will get me and all my strange and love me the way I deserve to be loved.

I can’t give up on that.

I’m certainly done looking for it, I’ll let it find me.

Kidnapped…

I’ve been meaning to write the story for some time.  And the only reason I am writing it, is because I was conversing with a friend about that idiot boy I mentioned I was seeing, in a past blog.  That idiot boy’s friend, lets call him Sherlock…the friend, not the boy, the boy is not important enough to get a name on this blog. Unless of course he pisses me off again, then I shall call him Satan and y’all will hear ALL about that hot mess..  Any how, Sherlock started messaging me on Facebook. I found that a little strange, seeing how I had only met Shirley twice.  Anyway, He is a good conversationalist and I was telling  the aforementioned friend about it and saying Sherlock is nice and all, but he ain’t my type…friend asked me why not. I simply responded: “He’s Black”

Now before anyone gets offended and unsubscribes to my blog, just know that I am like ¼ black.  And no this does not give me the right to drop the N bomb, or hate on anyone.  It’s just a rule I have and this story will explain why…

Once upon a time I was an intern at a Mouse owned company down here in Fl.  I had been working as a culinary intern non stop about 7 days a week for almost 3 months when my roommates convinced me to go out to a club.  I am not a clubber.  Im a stay at home and watch Starwars in my underwear and get drunk kinda girl.  But they convinced me to get dressed up and go out.  And out I went.  I was hot y’all, Hotter than a Pepper sprout, and I was on a mission to find some idiot to make out with.

I did find an idiot, but I did not make out with him that night.  I gave him my number and we texted over the next few days.  His name was Dante.  He. Was. HOT. He looked like 50 Cent.  I don’t much like rap music, but DAMN he was hot.

After a few days of texting I decided to go out with this idiot.  We met downtown and we went to the BET club (figures), and I hated. Every. single.  Moment.  He kept trying to give me bud light…which I hate and introducing me to his friends as his “Spanish Girlfriend and she’s gonna have my babies”. Lord have mercy….NO, NO I AM NOT YOUR DAMN GIRLFRIEND!!!   I kept correcting him and he kept telling people I was confused or drunk, I was neither.  I chose not to drink that night.  True Story.

So the night at the club ends and part of me wants to go home, but part of me wants to sleep with 50 Cent, go home, ignore him and break his heart.

So off to his house we went, and by his house I mean, his parents house.  I will spare y’all the details of this ride to his house, but I will tell you that we were riding in an Escalade that had guns in it.  That should have been my 32^nd clue.  Anyhow we get to his house and he Attempted to ‘take me to da candy shop’ I declined to have anything to do with his lollipop. Such a let down.

The next morning we had to sneak out of his parents house.

And then he had a job interview…and he could not take me home

And then he had to go see his sister…and he would not take me home

And then he ran out of gas…and he would not take me home

And then I offered him money…but he was too much of a “man” to take it

And then…we ended up at his friend’s house…and he told them not to take me home.

And then the night came…

I was in full anxiety mode.  My phone was almost dead and none of my roomies could come get me. (thank god one of these idiots had a charger that fit my phone) And even if they could, I was not about to subject them to this embarrassing situation.

Somehow, we ended up TP-ing his cousin’s house.  I was like “well im already in this fucked up situation I might as well roll with it”.  We drank some more and smoked some stuff, and then I hatched an escape plan.

Fake a heart attack…I mean, not me…but let’s pretend someone else had one..shall we?

I haven’t spoken to my father in years, and I am sure there is a special place in hell for me, but I straight up lied y’all.  I told that boy my daddy had a heart attack and I had to go home to St. Louis.   I faked calls, and texts and I even cried…

I appealed to his “better nature” and it worked.  It’s not my finest moment, but I had to GTFO of that place.  He finally found a friend who took me home.  And that asshole had the nerve to ask me for gas money after he refused it. I had my checkbook, I wrote him a check upon leaving the car…and when I got into my dorm, I promptly called Wells Fargo, swallowed the cancellation fee and pulled the plug on that motherfucker.

Fuck that…never again.

And this is why black guys aren’t “my type”

The End

 

*actually there is a little more to it than that.  But that was the last straw*

No more sadface

That last post was super angry. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of being sad and angry and I’m tired of being a crumpled mess.

If steffi’s passing has taught me anything. It’s that life… Is too motherfucking short y’all. So I need to knock off all this crap and get it together.

I have a million things to be grateful for!
I have a new chance for a new life.
I have an amazing and beautiful son.
I look better than I have in years. I’m serious, I get told that all the time.
I have got to pull out if this funk.
I am better than this!

So that’s it.
No more self pity.
No more fucking sadface bullshit.
I shall mourn my friend, but I won’t let it perpetuate my sadness.

Besides I need to start posting stuff in here that is less about divorce and more about the hilarious things that happen in my life.

I don’t need a husband to be happy.
I have everything I need.

Is it over yet?

End. I just want this fucking year to end already.  I have had, the worst year of my life.  I’ve lost 3 people, going through a divorce and the panic attacks haven’t stopped.  I am over this.

 

When I lose someone, people say…”just think of it as gaining a guardian angel” That’s sweet and all, but FUCK YOU. 

 

My friend Steffanie, was murdered last night. Straight up, chased by a bonafied psycho and stabbed to death in the street.  She was the sweetest girl I’ve ever known. All she ever wanted to do was help people.  She and I worked together at that wine shop out in po dunk Florida, and though our boss tried to turn us against each other…we only became closer friends.  And now, she’s gone. And the goddamned newspapers can’t even get her name right!

 

 

I’m so fucking pissed off right now…I can’t even think straight.  But if I don’t write…I’ll cry and I have done enough of that this year. 

If I didn’t have to work, I’d be drunk off my ass right now.  But ive done enough of that this year too…

 

So, For Steffanie, I’m going to pull my shit together.  For Steff, I’m going to knock off my shenanigans and get back with the program.  It’s what she would have wanted

Just keep swimming.

Divorce, is the worst. And yes I’m writing about divorce again, I was with Mr. Jones for 9 years, there is much to reflect on. So if you are looking for some happy, sappy shit, ya best look elsewhere.

I was doing relatively OK with this whole process until this past Saturday when I finally moved all my stuff out of his house. I let him keep that shit. I took Mini me’s furniture, and the stuff I was using while I was living in the guest room for the last few months.

Of course there was a scene. As dramatic as you may think I am, I don’t have shit on Mr. Jones. He always has to cause a fight or a scene…but for the first time ever, I stood up for myself. I told him that I was done being nice and letting him walk all over me. And if he wasn’t respectful when it comes to me I’m going to properly fuck his world up. I was so angry y’all. I’ve never been that mad at him in my life. I took my shit, my son and I left.

All that anger, made me realize how much I used to truly love that man. He was my entire world. Where in the fuck did we lose that?

Once I was alone in my new place, it happened. My already broken heart, broke again. Hard. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the major change, or being alone, or maybe all of it. I’m sure it was all of it.

I have cried for 3 days straight. Yesterday I even called out of work, because the thought of looking at one damn guest at work made me sick. My eyes were nearly swollen shut. I felt completely defeated. I was sitting in my bed, wearing my Giant Jackie Onassis sunglasses in my underwear, sobbing and petting my dog when, in walks my friend Henry. He had come over to return something, he took one look at me and said “nope, we’re not fucking doing this shit today ‘Delia, get the hell up, we’re getting you out of this house”…

So, he scraped me out of bed, fed me, took me to Priscilla’s to go get a couch for my condo. He helped me move some shit, smoked me out, brought me home and hugged me every time I needed it yesterday. Don’t know what I would do without my friends. I’d probably mummify alone in my room wearing huge sunglasses in my underwear.

I’m back at work today. I’m trying to make it through but it’s rough. I’m like a robot server, I’m on complete auto pilot. The only thing keeping me in reality is messing around with De Voss and Mike in the side station, and being obscene. It makes no sense to you if you have never worked in a restaurant. It’s just something we do.

And I’m working a Double. FML.

Just want to go home and pass out.